Goodness gracious, time flies. I can't even believe how fast this summer has been going. Full of ups and downs and always an adventure. Alyssa and I had a blast up at R Farm, my apologies to those of you who said you would be there that I didn't contact. We both walked around in a starstruck/pulled pork on mac & cheese daze. Too many jumps and beautiful horses to actually remember things like checking email.
Things are progressing one hoof at a time on the riding front. This has been a really tough summer mentally for me. Thank you KOC for decimating any shred of self confidence I thought I had. I've been feeling beaten up and broken and worthless. Add on the pressure of getting Slider to the makeover and Prisoner sold and the generally ridiculous pressure I put on myself for no good reason and a really freaking screwed up Lindsey is what you get. My mom likes to joke with me that I should be Catholic because I'm so good at guilt tripping myself. True story though, if my brain could flog itself it would. It is a strange attribute to go with my nearly unending positivity. Aimee and Alyssa are surely scratching their heads at my craziness, but thank God I have them as friends.
They keep throwing me life lines in the midst of the turbulent sea of self loathing that I'm being tossed around in. It is a scary crippling place to be guys. I somehow manage to blame every issue a horse has ever had on myself. Every vague post I read about riders or trainers doing something negative I convince myself applies to me. Every stop or runout or spook I blame on my ineptitude.
Luckily for myself and for all of you that read the blog I can't stay that dark for long. I talk with my friends and my coach and they refuse to let me get stuck in a deep dark hole. They help me make new plans, they listen to my crazy ideas, together we keep stepping forward and finding healing. When you hit bottom or reach shattered there is no where to go but up, nothing to do but start picking up the pieces. I know that confidence (of any form) is something that I'm not alone in struggling with so I want to delve deeper into the ideas that have helped me start healing. I've written about confidence several times before as has Aimee, and I'm going to do it again. I blog to keep track of my journey with these four legged beasts, and to connect with new friends, and to hopefully help even just one person out there who might be having some of the same issues as me. We are all in this together.
*Spoiler alert* Last night I had a jump lesson on Prisoner...It was amazing...And healing...And guilt lifting...aannndddd I'll tell you all about it soon.